Creative Comedy Project

Not a Snowball's, Mate. By Amanda Graham


JON: You’re the only really funny person I know-

JESS: Aw, cheers, hon!

JON: -who’s old enough to get these references.


JON: You know the book Anita and Me?

JESS: (chuckles) You read Anita and Me?

JON: (pause) I read the Wiki.

JESS: It’s really good.

JON: What’s the rivers of blood?

JESS: You read wiki but you don’t google?

JON: If I talk to you it’s more of an authentic voice.

JESS: I’m not Hindu.

JON: No, but you’re from the 70s.

JESS: Rrrright…so, Rivers of blood…

JON: Is it a Moses thing?

JESS: How do you know about Moses?

JON: What?

JESS: You never had to go to church-

JON: Half my girlfriends in Atlanta went to church.

JESS: And you didn’t burst into flames on entering?

JON: Sooooo- Rivers of blood?

JESS: Yes- You know all the shit being said about immigrants right now?

JON: Where?

JESS: Everywhere.

JON: Yeah?

JESS: That.

JON: So-

JESS: Wait- what is this for exactly?

JON: Competition.

JESS: What competition?

JON: Don’t remember- I’ve got it bookmarked…

JESS: Why are you entering a competition?

JON: (pause) Money.

JESS: Dad gives you money.

JON: (longer pause) I- I need something for my resume.

JESS: CV. (pause) Wait- In England 5 minutes and already stealing someone’s job? (tutting)

JON: I really want it. And immigrants are encouraged to apply!

JESS: So it isn’t with the Daily Mail then-

JON: Creative Director of the Old Vic.

JESS: (long pause) What is it like being you?

JON: What?

JESS: Do you know the saying ‘Lord grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man’?

JON: Huh?

JESS: Exactly.

JON: Listen- this thing is due in a few hours. Who’s Jackie in the book?

JESS: (pause) I’m going to have to enter this competition.

JON: Come on!

JESS: FINE. Here’s the basics. The overall arc is identity - As a second generation immigrant, Meena’s trying to reconcile her family’s strong Punjabi heritage with her British surroundings.

JON: I understand. Since I’ve moved here, sometimes when I sit in the pub, I don’t know who I even am anymore.

JESS: That’s because you’re still not used to drinking full pints.

JON: It’s more than that.

JESS: Jon, You. Aren’t. English.

JON: I’m half English!

JESS: You could walk around with your British passport superglued to your forehead.

JON: What-

JESS: When they look at you, they will always think "Gun". Or "My ears are bleeding". Or "I fancy a Big Mac". That’s it.

JON: That will change.

JESS: The closest I’ve come to assimilation is my boss telling me “We don’t think of you as American.”

JON: That’s-

JESS: It took me TWELVE YEARS to hear that.

JON: I want that job.

JESS: Tell you what- I’ll just meet you at the Lass in 15 and we’ll go through this.

JON: Great thanks. I’ll get the pints in.

JESS: You better stick with half pints, Yank.


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