Creative Comedy Project

Oh to be a Christian! By Sultana Mirza

Oh to be a Christian! By Amtul Mirza



Julie Ramsbottom , she’s so lucky. She can let boys stick their fingers in her noony and all she has to do is go to her Priest once a month and confess and she will go to Heaven. They’ll be white clouds, angels and music to greet her.

And Jesus had those spears piercing into his side, blood and gore just to save her from her sins.

She can shag as many boys as she wants and she’ll be fine.

Not the same for me. Mum sticks a scarf on my head so boys won’t want to put a finger up my noony so that Allah will save me from the Hellfire( Mother Indian accent ). It doesn’t stop them , mind you.

Last week Tommy ( the skinny one with lots of zits) came into the girls toilets and showed me his woo woo . It wasn’t much to see wrinkly ,very small, it could have been a maggot . He wanted to see mine. Luckily I did manage to have a shower that morning. Imran, annoying older brother is away on a school camping trip and so wasn’t there to squirt out on his morning poos. He has Irritable Bowel Syndrome and needs to spend half an hour in the toilet and even though I spray mum’s Opium on me, the smell of him lingers on me.



But that day I actually smelt ok and he touched me there. It felt me feel warm and fuzzy like 4 boxes of chocolate in a row but without the sicky feeling, but then Julie came in and said she wanted to try some new makeup on me .She thinks she’s going to be the 1st white makeup artist for Asian women.

I don’t know why she bothers. All they want to do is bleach their faces and moustaches and slather FAIR AND LOVELY cream on their faces to get that pale washed out look. They’d rather be albinos than have dark skin.

Christians they have it so much easier than Muslims. Us having to bend down on our knees 5 times a day and not allow our minds to wander to sex and angry thoughts; all they have to do is a few Hail Marys every so often. Why does God want us to work much harder to get to the Pearly Gates?!

Julie thinks I’ve got it good though; parents together, curries and no having to hear mother screwing any bloke she meets and putting a microwave meal out when she can be bothered.

She loves coming over and sitting with my dad who tells her tales of when he fought in the Indian army, of elephants and tigers and of wealth once in the palaces in India.

He gives her money too;

That’s why she sticks up for me I think, when Tara and her lot try to stick my head down the toilet and call me a Paki and she’s strong she is and can punch anyone.


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