Tell A Tale — Gothic Fiction

Shadow of Emotion By Justin Turton

Mother, you have known me for a long time. Since birth actually. You have seen me as I am, both angelic and demonic. Though I think myself more angelic than demonic, something happened recently that has me questioning myself.



Is it fair to say that I often consider others and come to their aid? Like that time you fell ill and there was no one else to care for you. I dropped everything and came to you. Something that was difficult for me to do yet I could never regret. I cared for my brothers before they went off to war, and I cared for father before he passed. So I do care, do I not? I love, I feel, I cry, I fear. I am as anyone else is aren't I?



You know that my history with men is chequered. There have been few great love affairs in my life, in fact only one I can think of. All my life all I have ever wanted was to love somebody. There is a great quantity of love in my heart, thick as caramel. I have long dreamed to be able to give this love to one whom deserves it. Earned it.



I was seeing a young man, Lucius, who by all accounts was dashing, daring and ambitious. He was studying to be a doctor, yet also had a creative streak about him. A dab hand with the paintbrush. He said it helped him in his surgery's. He was compassionate and I felt that he truly loved me. All signs pointed to a future with him, yet there was another, Drake. He was dark, rugged and dirty. A rascal and rapscallion. Deviant yet charming. Our love was passionate and risky, thrilling to say the least. And I thought of him, even when I lay with Lucius.



I didn't seek to deceive such a good man but there was a need in me, a hunger for something more than good. Lucius found us both entwined in his bed. The two of them began fighting and in the mire Drake killed him. Struck him dead.



And this is why I am afraid, this is why I cannot bare to look at myself. Because you see Mother, I didn't care. I stared into Lucius's dead eyes and I didn't care. In fact, I was relieved. In that moment I realized I had never cared about anyone. What does this mean? Is there another side to me that I am yet to discover? Bubbling under the surface?



I lie awake at night, self absorbed, wondering and willing myself to feel something. But I either don't or can't. Drake fled me, but I don't care. What is happening to me Mother? Was the love I felt inside me really just selfishness? The caring I showed simply manipulation? My mind's in disarray and I fear I cannot put it back together. If you could give me your thoughts, I would be grateful.



All my love



Mara


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